Hipster Manifesto

This is something I just did for fun. I'm sure I didn't get the part exactly right, but then again, like Steve, "I'm not a pretentious douche." So please just enjoy this little piece, and if like me you catch some small reflection of yourself in here, don't feel too bad. We're all a little superior from time to time and that's okay. Just don't make a habit out of it. And now here it is.

Hipster Manifesto

Hello. My name is Steve. I spell it Steve and not Steven, or Stephen. I’m not sure why. I’m not a pretentious douche. I just like it that way. Steve Jobs spelled his name Steve, and if it’s good enough for a visionary like him it’s good enough for me. In a past life I was a bungee jumper. At least I’m pretty sure I was. It’s hard to tell because I can’t actually remember any of my past lives, but that doesn’t make it not true. I’m an avid reader of Pitchfork online and I love politics, but that’s not important. The message is important, but I’m sure only about 7% of you will understand. That’s good though. I don’t want everyone to understand. I look around the room at parties and I think, “What are all these retards doing here? Did the short bus break down in front of the house? I can’t believe these fags get invited to parties. These things are so lame. It makes me want to vomit.” I probably shouldn’t use the r word, or the f word, but seriously how else can I describe these homos? The thing is, these are ‘the future leaders of America.’ Please. These apes don’t know a dimebag from a colostomy bag and even though half of them pretend to like the Beatles it’s totally obvious they don’t know a thing about them. Not me though. I may not have been born in the Beatles generation, but I get them. I understand their music. I don’t just like them because ‘OMG! They’re the Beatles. They revolutionized music.’ I actually know how they revolutionized music, and they’re actually an inspiration for me. They fought against the system of their day and I’m fighting the system of mine. I may have been John Lennon in a past life. Probably not, but I bet I knew him. I just get him too much. There’s no way I could understand him so well if I didn’t know him. I said that to a kid at a party last night, but he totally didn’t get it. He said I was weird and that I should lighten up. Please. Lighten up and be a drunk homophobe like you? I’d rather attend a Celine Dion concert, and I’d rather eat my own cat before I’d do that. Of course, I never would eat Franco. Besides being a vegetarian, I’m not Chinese. I don’t eat cats. That douchebag might eat cats and enjoy parties, but I’m more cultured than that. I need more sophisticated venues for my enjoyment, but unfortunately I’m stuck in this lame redneck, homophobic town and going to parties is the only thing to do. Anyway, like I said earlier if more than 7% or you get this I might as well just stab my own eyes out because I don’t want to live in a world where all the faggoty losers that make up humanity get me. I’m better than that. I’m more open-minded. I guess I can’t blame them too much. They’re just sheep. The real problem is all the retards at the top. The people who say this is cool or that’s cool and these idiots just go along with it. Thank God I’m not like them. Someday I’ll get away from all these homos and go somewhere with other open-minded people. Only 4 more months to graduation, then I’ll move to Europe where people don’t care if I smoke in public and I’ll be surrounded by other people who don’t judge or discriminate just because I don’t go along with all their lame, simple minded slogans. I hope you guys got the message, but if you didn’t maybe you should just try being more tolerant and less homophobic. And if you see me don’t ask me what this means because if you don’t already get it then I can’t help you. Sheep.

Steve