When Sarah Smiles

I've finally completed a full short story. It's taken a while, and it's much longer than my other posts, but I hope you take the time to read and enjoy it anyway. Just a word of insecure warning, this is a first draft. I welcome any critiques, but please be gentle.

When Sarah Smiles

Roger sat at his table sipping at his champagne and watching, always watching. He watched the servers hurrying back and forth bringing drinks, meat, salads, and pie but never worry. He could see it in them anyway. In those brief moments as they hurried back to the kitchen, or as they turned away from a table, he saw and he knew. The biggest kept secret of the service industry: Workers are people too. Probably they weren’t hiding anything dangerous or unflattering. One young lady was clearly attracted to one of her coworkers who just as clearly had no idea. Others may have been worried about money, or family. He couldn’t always see the cause of the pain behind the eyes, but the feeling was always clearly painted on their frames. The diners were no different. Everyone was hiding something. Well, not everyone. The young boy whose heart was being broken by the pretty girl who just wanted a “friend” and a fancy meal wasn’t hiding it well. The girl was. She was exceptionally talented, Roger noted. To any random onlooker she was in true remorse over the poor boy’s ‘misreading’ her signals. On the inside though, way behind those big, brown eyes, in the furthest reaches of her soul she couldn’t be more pleased. Roger saw it all. It was his gift. And it never failed. His lobster arrived. After assuring the young man who didn’t really care about him that all was well, he set about cracking the lobster’s legs open with true fervor. They normally did that back in the kitchen, but he always requested the pleasure of doing it himself. It was the one truly joyful experience of his life. It was his secret highlight of his first date with Sarah. They came back here each anniversary and cracking open his own lobster provided some of the most blissful moments of their short marriage. He still came back every year by himself, and the activity never lost its flavor. His gift was what had ended it with her. He had looked into her eyes and seen all her lies laid bare.

He finished his lobster and champagne and paid his tab. Normally he got a mousse for dessert, but today he needed to be gone.

It all ended one day in November. She told him goodbye, kissed him, and headed off to work. On her lunch break that day she and some friends decided to go out. They were driving through an intersection when a Ford Explorer hit some ice and slammed into them. Sarah got the worst of it. She hit her head against the window, got a concussion and passed out. She hadn’t woken up since. The doctors told Roger to let her pass, but he couldn’t. He still saw her lies every time he looked at her, and he needed to know what she had been keeping from him. Not knowing was the worst part, and now he couldn’t ask her. If he let her go, he’d never find the truth and he couldn’t bear the thought of it.

During his musings Roger had noticed a man eating three tables away. The man’s back was to him, but Roger could tell who he was. It was all there in his false bravado and slightly casual manner. There was always something shifty about Glenn that Roger could never quite pin down. The man was something of an enigma. When Sarah started working for him she had said very little about it to Roger. She went on about how nice he was, and how he was the only one in a company full of arrogant, self-centered jerks who had been courteous enough to welcome her to the office and to offer any help when she was still learning her way around. As time went on she talked about him more and more. He had a wife and three children. Two girls and a boy. The youngest was seven. When summer came around Glenn invited Sarah and Roger to a BBQ at his house. Heather was a wonderful woman. Roger knew that the first time he saw her. Smart. Dependable. Pretty. And honest, or at least as honest as a pretty woman can be. Glenn, on the other hand, while being every bit the gentlemen Sarah had made him out to be was just a little too friendly. A little too helpful. A little too interested. And there was that mystery about him. The same type of mystery that surrounded Sarah now. He was hiding something, and he was hiding it well, but Roger could see it lurking there behind that grin. He didn’t like Glenn and he didn’t want to talk about Sarah. So he paid quietly and worked his way around the edge of the restaurant making sure to avoid Glenn’s eyes.

He walked from the restaurant straight to the hospital. He brought Sarah her favorite dessert, blueberry Tiramisu, and a simple necklace. She would never be able to wear it, or eat the dessert, but it was their anniversary and she deserved something. He skipped the front desk, they were oddly strict about enforcing visitors’ hours, but Roger found if simply walked to his wife’s room and didn’t talk to anybody they just left him alone. She looked just as she had for the last four months. Someone had brushed her hair today. They didn’t do that every day. She looked beautiful. Peaceful. Roger sat down and squeezed her hand. He got out the necklace.

“Happy Anniversary honey. I got you something. It’s not much. Just a little golden chain with a heart charm on it. I even got it engraved, see. It says, ‘When Sarah Smiles The Sun Draws Near, No Matter What I’m Happy You Were Here.’ I know, I know. It’s not like me to get sentimental. I just missed you today baby. I just want to you to know that whatever was going on with you and Glenn, I still love you.”

Roger sat there after that looking at her, trying to make sense of what he said. It was all true, but it wasn’t like him to say it out loud. He tried to think about that. To analyze it. But in the end he settled for just sitting and feeling lost. It was too fresh today to make sense of. He watched Sarah breathing in and out, in and out, in and out. She looked calm and peaceful. After all this time, even unconscious she was hiding it. It never went away. It’s so damn frustrating! How can she be so calm when she’s the one with the secret?! What kind of game was she playing?! Did she even care about him?! Of course, she had to care or she wouldn’t have been with him, but how much did she care? Did she care that he was miserable? Did she even know? He tried to keep it hidden, but still there had to be signs. There are always signs! Was he really the only one who could see? She wasn’t blind. She had to see! She had to

“Roger? Roger, hey Roger.”

Roger looked up. A blurry Glenn was standing in the doorway.

“Hey man, how are you holding up?”

There was no answer. Roger couldn’t answer. He tried to say something, but what could he say? He worked his mouth for a minute, but nothing came out. Glenn came and sat down beside him.

“I know. It’s crazy right. I still don’t really believe it sometimes. I feel like I’ll go to work tomorrow and she’ll be there smiling away. It’s been tough, you know, since the divorce. After Heather left me for that other one, I fell apart. I couldn’t work or sleep or anything. And I tried not to show it, for the kids, right, but I was drowning and I was pulling them down with me. I put a face on in public, you know, but she saw right through it. She helped me out of it, made meals for us. You know she would take my kids to a movie every week! Gave me some time to sort things out. She even introduced me to Cathy. If things worked out with us, I was going to ask her to be my best man. Now she’s just gone and there’s this huge gap in everything, you know. When someone plays that big a part in your life, and then just leaves how do you keep going? I’m sorry man. I didn’t mean to come here to sob to you. Is there anything you need?”

Roger sat there stunned. Nobody ever just opened up like that. He always had to carefully pry and prod and dig. Like unearthing an extremely fragile skeleton, if the skeleton knew you were there and you couldn’t let it know what you were doing.

“I’m alright.” He got out after a minute. “It’s tough, but I get by. Today was our anniversary.”

“Yeah. I know. I looked for you over at Giulio’s but I guess I missed you. Don’t worry man. I’m not stalking you. Sarah told me you go there on your anniversary. Before the accident she asked me to help her out with something for you. After everything, I just felt like I owed it to her to finish it.

Glenn pulled a small package from his coat pocket. The paper was slightly crumpled from riding in the confined area, but it was obviously professionally gift wrapped. Each corner was perfectly square and an almost perfect bouquet of ribbons adorned the top. The wrapping paper gleamed a little in the light from the monitor, its original golden color transformed into a sickly blue-green. The paper crinkled as Roger accepted it from Glenn. He held it very still for what seemed like ages, too afraid to open it. Glenn shifted his feet a little and checked the door.

Glenn’s voice came out in a croak. “I…um..,” he cleared his throat and spoke again more strongly, “I guess I should get going. Cathy’s waiting.” He started to leave, then paused just as he got to the door. “Listen, Roger. I know we’ve got our differences, but if you ever want something just call, okay.” He opened the door slowly, trying to not disturb the stillness in the room, but that only drew the creak out to an embarrassing, long, and loud squeal. Roger knew he meant well, but that only served to make it more annoying.

He sat there in the hospital room until the nurse came to check on Sarah. The poor fellow didn’t notice Roger until he was almost finished with his patient. When he saw Roger, he jumped half out of his skin and ran to get security, but when he returned with two guards the room was empty.

*             *             *

Life went on as usual for Roger. Work. Eat. Work. Hospital. Movie. Drink. Sleep. The little golden package with slightly crumpled corners sat on Sarah’s dresser. Every day he would pick it up, examine it, then place it back where it lay. He wanted desperately to know what was in it, but he couldn’t bring himself to open it. Glenn had said she asked him to help her with it. Glenn. Of all people. Did it hold the answers to his questions? Did it contain her big secret? He had to know! Yet…every time he picked up the little box he felt something holding him back. What if it didn’t hold any answers? What if she had worked so hard to give him this and it didn’t mean anything? So, back on the dresser it went, just in front of her little, wooden Russian nest doll.

After a month Roger didn’t trust himself anymore to hold the package without ripping it open. Even when he 

cleaned he dusted everything around the package, but he wouldn’t touch the little, golden box. It sat, in its own quadrilateral of dust, surrounded by cleanliness. It sat on the dresser, and he sat in bed. Watching. Puzzling. Resisting. It fell into his routine. Work. Eat. Work. Hospital. Movie. Drink. Movie. Watch, puzzle, resist. Sleep.

Sarah’s birthday fell on a Tuesday that spring. As usual Roger was at the hospital. He stopped by after work, but there was already a crowd in Sarah’s room. Her sister with the new..ish baby. Glenn with his fiancée and the kids. Roger’s sister was there too, with her husband. That explained all the phone calls lately. Thank God he’d ignored them all or he’d have been forced to be in there with all of them. She had them all convinced she was some kind of saint. They stood there, with their sad smiles, eating cake and telling her how much they missed her. He knew her better though. He knew the real Sarah. How she kept things from him with her little smile and, “You wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise, would you Honey?” Oh, she loved her little surprises. She loved to plot and deceive. It wasn’t any wonder to Roger that Glenn’s wife left him what with all the scheming he’d been up to with Sarah. He wouldn’t stand there with them and parade around telling lies about his wife’s virtues. He knew her virtues, and he knew her vices, and he wouldn’t pretend they weren’t one and the same.

He sat that night watching, puzzling resisting, fuming. He didn’t need her gifts or her derision. He was done with it. He snatched the dusty, golden box off its perch and crammed it into his jacket pocket. He caught the next underground to Washington Square and walked the five blocks to the hospital. He stomped quietly to her room. She seemed pleased. She looked beautiful.

“Look Sarah, I don’t know what games you’ve been playing at, and I don’t care. Not anymore. I loved you, you know. I loved you so much, and so I looked the other way all those years, but this is too much. You shared your little secrets with Glenn, and then you left me all alone. Did you even think about me in all this? Huh? You lay there with your smile and don’t even care. Well, I’m done. I don’t need this, and I don’t need this!”

He pulled the crumpled, little box from his jacket and tossed it on the table next to her bed. Sarah just lay there looking pleased and beautiful.

A moment later a nurse poked her head into the room. “Oh, Roger. It’s you. I thought I saw someone in here. I just need to check her fluids. I’ll be out of your hair in a minute.” She busied herself with the tubes and buttons plugged into Sarah’s arms and legs and torso. “Happy Birthday Sarah! You must be so happy that Roger’s come to see you. And don’t you just look sweet today! Oh. What’s this? Someone brought you a little gift. And just look how cute it’s wrapped up. Why don’t we see what’s inside?” Roger watched numbly as she picked up the little, golden package and tore it open.

He recognized the little, wooden sailboat inside immediately. When he was ten years old, he spent his Christmas vacation in Wyoming with his father, helping him cut wood for sale. It was hard work, but Roger adored it. Christmas Eve, they worked from five am until four in the afternoon when they dropped their last load of wood, got their money, and headed for home. They pulled into town just before midnight, but before going home they stopped at the drugstore for food and presents. Roger’s father told him to go to the deli and find some turkey and potatoes while he grabbed a few gifts. The next morning, the family ate their cold turkey and potatoes and opened one present each. Roger tore open the newspaper wrapping a little, wooden boat. After his father died, Roger received a box full of childhood memories, but to his dismay the boat had been lost forever. Or, until now. He moved woodenly to the bedside table, picked up the boat and turned it over. On the bottom was an RB painted in black watercolor.

The nurse finished checking her patient and set the little box on the table before leaving. Inside Roger saw a card. He picked it up and read: For memories lost and found again. For my love and my best friend. Sarah.